Shameless

Why choose the word shameless when starting a blog about divorce? Do I mean that we shouldn’t feel guilty? Of course not. There is still a level of guilt I feel, but not for doing what I knew needed to be done for years. Whenever I would tell someone that I was getting a divorce, the response would always be negative. Always “I’m so sorry”. For the first time in nearly 10 years, I felt free. Yet, everyone wanted to express their sympathy. In a time where social media is full of perfect marriages, I almost felt like I was letting people I didn’t even know down. I left a marriage where I was unsupported and unloved in the way I deserved, and yet people felt bad. I felt shamed by friends, family, and people I didn’t personally know. And then it happened. I received a call from an acquaintance who wanted some advice, someone to talk to who understood, someone who had been through it. And what she said surprised me; “No one gets divorced around here. It just looks bad. I didn’t know I could leave until I saw that you had.”. And she wasn’t the last. More and more women told me their stories; their picture perfect Instagram marriages weren’t so perfect after all. I had unintentionally started something. Women were standing up for the love they needed. Did it always end in divorce? No, and that’s even better. Women were starting to talk about how they had felt for years, and it was giving them the courage to talk about it with their spouse, or their family. So why should we feel shameful for doing what is right for us? Why should we let our friends, our family, strangers, or society make us feel less than for standing up for what is right for us? For our family? Two years after leaving, I’ve learned to let go of all of those feelings, those feelings that were holding me back from feeling joy and love. It’s almost impossible to feel joy when feeling so much shame and guilt. So what would be the point in leaving, if we were still going to feel so miserable? Learning to let go of the guilt I had for doing what I knew was best for me was the way I started to heal. Is there still lingering guilt when my children are having a hard day? When they don’t want to go to their dad’s house? When they tell me they wish they had a “normal” family? Of course, that will probably always be there. I wish, for them, that it could have been different. But I believe that showing them what love real love is, and standing up for what you need, will teach them invaluable lessons that I hope they carry with them. So let’s learn to heal together. Let’s learn to help our kids heal. And let’s learn to not let our guilt turn to shame so that we can experience true joy in life.